Death becomes me

I've been really disturbed for the past few days.. a week?? or mayb more.. iv not tap into that feeling as i was a little busy and i need to settle a lot of things... but since im off today and everything else have settle down on the surface... iv more time to spend on myself...

its kinda funny.. the old feeling came back knocking on the door of my soul... hahaha... nothing to worry on though.. im much more mature now and i don think of suicide as before but humanity have crack another hole in my heart cutting off more veins this time round.... its not hard to solve but even when i solve it, the residue is still subsiding beneath my soul causing me to have a little side effect from it all.... i feel like crying but to whom i can cry to to and i feel like screaming but to whom i can scream my hearts out to.. the thought of death kept on creeping up on me whenever im unaware whenever im alone... whenever i let go... it's as if its calling me... hahahaha

anyways... since im emoing ... y not... its kinda funny that for the past few days a lot of ppl around me kept on coming up to me and ask me to get married already... or get a girlfriend.... the thing is that im scared... sacred of hurting ppl i love... its not that i don wanna to find love but love is such a strong word... love is such a heavy responsibility that i can only think of having when i am ready.... so much sorrow that i don wanna burden any1 else... especially ppl i love and care about.... its unfair to let u all worry bout it...

there are ppl i love but i can't have or scared to have cause i love em so much that i don want them to get hurt... seeing ur joy keeps me going... seeing ur smile keeps my heart pumping... i don mind dying alone as long as i know you all are well cared for and loved. actually, im prepared to die alone.. a member at the gym suddenly came up to tell me .... if i don get married this year, my next marriage luck is due 20 yrs later... hahaha.... that would make me 50.... hahaha..... man.. i don wanna live that long... 50 is crazy man... hahahaha...... haiz... celibacy for 20 yrs pulang :P hahaha..... anyways... i don wanna hurt u all.. things i do.. the challenge i face and throw at myself can get me kill anytime... i don wan my partner to grieve over my death.. it would be so unfair.... i think il have a very peaceful year ahead... cause i really just wanna be a filial son which i've not been very good at for the past 12 yrs since i was only home during CNY a week o less..... iv missed out so much on my family's function that i really just wanna spend time with them before anything happens to me.......

anyways... don worry bout this log.. read it as an entertainment page... hahaha.... il b ok... im ok... smile smile... remember me as the happy Bong :)